October 24, 2007
By Gene Clark
J. K. Rowlings revealed this week that the beloved Headmaster of Hogwart’s School of Witchcraft and Wizardry was gay. I personally don’t care with whom Albus Dumbledore crosses wands, but Dr. Harry Macho does. Dr. Macho, founder and president of Gayness Hurts American Democracy (GHAD), says fictional gayness is an important issue.
“If fictional characters are gay,” says Dr. Macho, “Our children could be exposed to the gay agenda.”
When I pushed Dr. Macho to define the gay agenda, he was quick with his answer.
“The gay agenda seems to be equal protection under the law. We can’t have that in this country. I don’t want my children to grow up in an America where it’s not legal to hate gay people.”
I talked to Dr. Macho as part of a press tour following the publication of a GHAD-sponsored study of fictional gayness. Dr. Macho is disturbed by what he describes as fictional gayness at all levels of children’s literature.
“GHAD believes that Mother Goose was a Drag Queen,” Dr. Macho said. “When you start looking for it, you can see that nursery rhymes are full of gay characters. Here are some shocking examples.”
Mary, Mary, quite contrary,
How does your garden grown?
With silver bells and cockle shells
And pretty maids all in a row.
“Contrary indeed; contrary to God’s plan that we all be heterosexual, Dr. Macho said. “When the mob confronted Lot and demanded he let them have their way with the male angels that had come to warn Lot about the destruction of his city, Lot offered the mob his daughters instead…AND…we don’t even need to go into the significance of ‘pretty little maids all in a row.’”
Jack be nimble,
Jack be quick,
Jack jumped over
A candle stick.
“Come on, now, a candle STICK,” said Dr. Macho. “Do I have to draw you a picture?”
Old King Cole was a merry old soul,
A merry old soul was he.
He called for his pipe,
He called for his bowl,
And he called for his fiddlers three.
“This one promotes smoking a bowl of drugs from a pipe…AND…a homosexual foursome,” Dr. Macho said. “GHAD has found other fictional characters that appear to be gay. One entire book shows how the gay agenda is pressed on people until they give in…look at Green Eggs and Ham.”
“If you see green eggs and ham as a euphemism for genitalia,” said Dr. Macho. “And you see Sam I Am as a gay activist, the gayness of the book is clear. In a world where there are no laws against homosexuals, gay people can keep shoving their ‘green eggs and ham’ in front of straight people until the straight people are worn down and succumb.”
“Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn were gay,” said Dr. Macho. “Just transpose the first letters of Huck Finn and push the Ns together to make an M; you will be shocked at how blatant a gay reference that is. Rearrange the letters in Tom Sawyer’s last name, and you get ‘Raw Yes.’ What do you suppose has made Tom raw?”
I asked Dr. Macho to consider the notion that groups like GHAD can find gay people hiding under every bed.
“Exactly,” Dr. Macho said. “If we don’t chase them from under the beds in this country, they will want to sleep on top of the beds with straight people. If we leave them alone, they will recruit our children into homosexuality.”
I asked Dr. Macho to explain gay recruiting to me.
“Gay recruiters fan out through this country and try to convince young men and women that the gay lifestyle is acceptable and fun,” said Dr. Macho.”It might start with a hot dog or taco dinner. That leads to show tunes or Indigo Girls’ albums. After a few evenings, convincing the youngsters to have sex with members of their own gender is no big deal.”
I was amazed that it was that easy.
“Oh yes, the balance between straight and gay is very delicate when children are young,” Dr. Macho said. “If you leave a young boy alone with a pair of Bruno Magli Bonds III loafers for too long, the exposure to the nickel buckle ornament and the soft Nappa leather moccasin pushes him over the edge. Suddenly he’s screaming ‘Faaabbbbuuuuloussss.’ and spending his allowance on Judy Garland CDs.”
“So,” I said to Dr. Macho, “If we give a boy a copy of Playboy and a girl a copy of Playgirl when they turn eleven or so, nature will take its course, and we will get two happy heterosexuals. Is that what you are saying?”
Dr. Macho’s head snapped up and his eyes opened wide. Just before he stormed out of the interview, he shouted, “What kind of a sick, demented pervert are you, anyway?”
