By Gene Clark
Our current election cycle is proving to be a jackpot for stand-up comedians:
How about that John Edwards? Turns out the little guy is willing to part with $400 for a hair cut, but he won’t pay a dime less than his reputation for a piece of tail.
You heard about this affair he had with a film producer named Rielle Hunter, didn’t you? Rielle is a beautiful name; turns out that Rielle is Croatian for “Treasure.”
The former running mate of John Kerry admits to the affair, but he denies that Ms. Hunter’s daughter is his child. His exact quote was “I did not have procreational sex with that woman, Rielle Hunter.”
Ms. Hunter has leaked several specifics about the affair to the press through her media friends. According to a columnist for the Los Angeles Times, Ms. Hunter is supposed to have said, “Turns out that John Kerry wasn’t the only “Swift” boat captain on the 2004 ticket, if you know what I mean.”
The press tried for three days to get a comment from John Kerry about the downfall of his former running mate, but then they realized that nobody ever really cared about what John Kerry thought.
John Edwards was being considered for the Attorney General post in an Obama administration, but now it’s obvious Edwards won’t get the nod. Former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said that Edwards wasn’t qualified for the job, any way…”He can only screw people one at a time.”
Former President Bill Clinton was asked if he thought John Edwards was ready to be President. “Hell yes,” Clinton responded. “Hillary would have made him Secretary of Health, Education, and Poontang!”
John Edwards made it very clear that he had the affair while his wife Elizabeth was in remission from her now returned and very aggressive breast cancer. When asked why that distinction was so important, a former Edwards’ campaign worker said. “It’s better than being a complete asshole, isn’t it.”
Rielle Hunter’s original name was Lisa Druck. According to court records, she decided to change it because, “being a sleazy home-wrecking whore with a last name that would presuppose unfortunate rhyme schemes was a public relations nightmare waiting to happen.”
The Country Music Association has nominated Elizabeth Edwards for the 2008 Loretta Lynn Stand by Your Man Award. Former winners of this award include Mary Jo Buttifucco and one of Edwards’ fellow candidates for this year’s Democratic Presidential nomination, Hillary Clinton.
In a statement by Edwards on August 8, the former South Carolina Senator said, “No one can beat me up more than I’ve already beat myself up.” That has led some critics to suggest that if Edwards had done a little more self beating, the affair might never have happened.
Did you hear about the latest Dubya antics? It turns out that one of the documents that the Bush administration used to justify its invasion of Iraq (which directly led to the deaths of thousands of American service personnel and hundreds of thousands of Iraqi citizens) was forgery created by the Bush administration.
Oh, sorry, that last one wasn’t a joke. Did I break your concentration? Whoops, isn’t that just like me? There we were enjoying the Edwards car wreck when I had to up and point out that Dubya is a no good, lying, redneck scumbag that is helping his buddies get filthy rich while helping service personnel get DEAD.
Let’s get back to the penis jokes…
Senator Edwards asked the American people to give his family some time to heal…let’s hope he used condoms or the healing might require massive doses of antibiotics.
Following the November election, when all anyone could do was talk about the President-Elect, Dubya decided to try to get some air time by sponsoring a conference on poverty at the White House. He made a big deal out of inviting several poverty experts and activists including John Edwards.
After the conference ended, Dubya put on a coat and stepped outside the Oval Office for one of his infrequent cigarettes. Just as he was ready to light a match, he saw “Dubya can kiss my ass” written in the snow with what appeared to be urine. Dubya called in the Secret Service and demanded that they find out who the urine belonged to.
The next day, the Secret Service sent agents to the Oval Office with the results of the urinalysis. “Who did this,” Dubya asked.
“There is no doubt, Mr. President,” said the Agent in Charge of the investigation. “The urine belongs to former Senator John Edwards, but there is more…”
“What more could there be,” Dubya said. “It’s Edwards, let’s get the bastard.’
“Well, Sir,” the Agent said with an odd look in his eye. “It’s Edwards’ urine, but it’s Laura’s handwriting.”
1 Comment
August 14, 2008 at 11:22 pm
John Edwards talked about Dad’s mill,
While sleeping with a chick off the pill,
He lied and fibbed to the MS press,
And, awoke early to preen and dress.
His wife, Elizabeth, knew the lie in 2006,
But supported John in Iowa while sick,
They stole Hillary’s honest votes daily,
And laughed on cue, and hiding Rielle.
Why did John lie like a cheatin’ rat ?
No “New Deal” for the average Democrat,
While Obama and Hillary fought on the stump,
John Edwards watched Rielle grow a bump.
Now John’s love child is common news,
And Fred Baron has money to lose,
Rielle, now nursing, has jetted away,
Even Geraldo has joined the fray!
John’s affair has hurt his poor kids,
More than Clinton’s cigars ever did,
A sordid tale that some call a crock,
The only winner, a loser named Barack!
Like dogs in heat, Edwards did pant,
Defined forever, just like Hugh Grant,
Tabloids paid to get the sleeze,
Is it John’s baby, mister please?
See Barack in Hawaii like Bobby Vinton,
Unaware the DNC plans to elect a Clinton,
Edwards may face time from the tax man,
But not if a pardon is part of Obama’s plan.
While Elizabeth cries over her brood,
Baby mama with John was not a prude,
Gone the innocent days of Tom Sawyer,
John gettin’ love like a real trial lawyer.