By Bill Devol
Pornography was harder to get when I was a teenager. There was Playboy, National Geographic, and the Sears catalog. Oh, there was other, harder-core stuff, but nothing that the average 14-year-old boy could get his hands on.
Times were so tough that I had to use carbon paper and Archie comics to draw pictures of Betty and Veronica naked. Between that and walking uphill barefoot five miles in the snow to go to the bathroom, the late 1960s and early 1970s were really rough.
Had I known that all pornography turned your sex drive inward and pretty much guaranteed you’d turn gay, I still would have looked.
I must have had really weak, sad pornography, because, other than a real thing for show tunes, I turned out pretty much heterosexual. Sure, something off the shoulder and in red velvet will sneak into my closet every once in a while, but my Facebook page says I’m straight.
The revelation that all pornography makes you gay was made two weeks ago at the Value Voters Summit in Washington, D. C., by Michael Schwartz, Chief of Staff to Senator Tom Coburn (R-Oklahoma).
At first, I thought, “Chief of Staff is a rather gay job title.” I then showed even more maturity by thinking, “Chief of Staff Michael Schwantz.” I started giggling like an 11-year-old boy.
Mr. Schwartz’s theory goes like this…pornography makes young men grab their units for some self manipulation…self manipulation directs your sex drive inward toward your own unit…that fixes your sexual enjoyment on units in general…ipso facto, you can’t wait to start grabbing other people’s units…ta-da…looking at pictures of topless Tahitian women in Grandpa’s National Geographic turns any boy into a card-carrying homosexual agenda-wielding sissy boy gay person.
I’m not nearly as clear on how it works for lesbians, but, I’m sure there is some unit grabbing (accounting for the differences in plumbing) involved and then somehow Doc Martens, Indigo Girls, and flannel.
Mr. Schwartz suggests that if you tell 11-year-old boys that unit grabbing leads to understanding all the gay jokes on reruns of Will and Grace and the desire to dress in drag as Cher or Diana Ross, the boys will stop looking at pornography and stop grabbing their units.
Mr. Schwartz…we used to tell boys they would go insane, go blind, and even GO TO HELL if they didn’t leave their units alone, but none of that did any good. You can try, “Naked pictures of women will turn you gay,” but it’s going to be a tough sell.
Here’s my problem Mr. Schwartz…sooner or later, after falling in love and getting married of course, sex between a man and a woman is going to come down to some unit manipulation. Both sides will then learn that manipulation of units feels good and manipulation of their own units feels extra good. Their sex drive will still get turned inward and they will still turn out gay…or bisexual.
How do you feel about bisexual Mr. Schwartz? It is only half gay, after all. Or, if you are an optimist, it’s half straight. Is bisexual better than gay?
Once again, I ask why people like Michael Schwartz get so caught up in who we screw.
I don’t care who Michael Schwartz screws. I might feel sorry for them, but I don’t care one way or the other as long as Michael Schwartz is screwing consenting adults.
Hell, Michael, there are gay people in places they don’t have pornography. There are gay people that have been blind since birth…there are gay people in places where they kill people for being gay.
The bottom line (he, he, he, I said bottom) is that sex involves unit manipulation. Once we learn that unit manipulation is fun, we then find out who we wish to do the manipulating.
Some of us end up drawing pictures of Betty and Veronica naked. Some of us draw pictures of Archie and Jughead naked, and some of us find ourselves drawing pictures of Archie and Betty naked. No one knows exactly why, and frankly, no one should really care.
Why do people like Mr. Schwartz waste their time and energy trying to find the anti-gay silver bullet? Is that the key to world peace?
Michael, some nut or another has trotted out this “Don’t look at naked people and don’t manipulate your unit” idea several times in every era of human existence.
Any plan to solve any “problem” that starts with…”Step 1 – Get human beings to quit manipulating their units” is going to fail. Even with rules like, “If you get caught manipulating your unit in an unapproved manner, you will be put to death,” people are going to manipulate their units.
E Pluribus Unit!
